SCENE ONE.

It is around six forty-five on a warm autumn evening. Alvin is walking down a quiet suburban street in a medium-sized city. He is wearing a brown shirt and blue jeans. He is carrying a shopping bag.

Now he comes across a magazine lying in his path. He stops, bends down, and picks it up. It is a TV Guide. He looks at it for a moment, then reaches into his shopping bag and pulls out his own copy of TV Guide. He holds them up together.

They are identical, right down to a small tear in the corner of the front cover. Alvin considers them, then looks around.

He looks behind him. There is no-one there.

He looks ahead. Now he sees someone walking about one hundred metres further down the block. Wearing a brown shirt and blue jeans, and carrying a shopping bag.

Alvin looks down at his own brown shirt and blue jeans, then up again at the stranger down the block. He returns his own TV Guide to his shopping bag and sets off at a trot after the stranger. As he catches up, he yells:

Alvin:
Excuse me! Excuse me!

The stranger doesn't seem to hear him. Finally Alvin gets close enough to reach out and touch the stranger's shoulder. The stranger turns around - and it's another Alvin.

1st Alvin:
Excuse me!

2nd Alvin:
Yes?

1st Alvin:
I believe you dropped...

1st Alvin looks at 2nd Alvin, and 2nd Alvin looks at 1st Alvin. They look each other up and down. They are identical in every way. Identically dressed, carrying identical shopping bags. A pause.

1st Alvin:
Why, you look exactly like me!

2nd Alvin:
And you look exactly like me!

A pause.

1st Alvin:
We're even dressed alike. And carrying identical shopping bags. Did you just come from the corner store at Bergstrom Avenue and 109th Street?

2nd Alvin:
Yes, I did. I bought two litres of milk, a loaf of bread, two boxes of Kraft Dinner, and a TV Guide.

1st Alvin:
Is this the TV Guide you bought?

2nd Alvin looks in his shopping bag.

2nd Alvin:
I guess it is. My shopping bag seems to have developed a small tear. Thank you very much.

1st Alvin:
I found it in my path as I was walking behind you. I happened to notice that it is identical to my own copy of TV Guide.

1st Alvin brings his TV Guide out of his shopping bag, and holds it up for comparison with the copy that 2nd Alvin now holds.

2nd Alvin:
They are identical. Amazing.

1st Alvin:
I also just came from the corner store at Bergstrom Avenue and 109th Street, where I also bought two litres of milk, a loaf of bread, two boxes of Kraft Dinner, and of course a TV Guide.

2nd Alvin:
This is all very strange. Would you mind if I asked your name?

1st Alvin:
Not at all. My name is Alvin Axelrod Bugford.

2nd Alvin:
As I suspected. My name, too, is Alvin Axelrod Bugford.

A pause.

1st Alvin:
Do your friends call you Alvin or Al?

2nd Alvin:
My parents call me Alvin, my acquaintances call me Al, and my good friends, as you undoubtedly are aware, call me Axel.

1st Alvin:
As do mine. I can't fool you.

2nd Alvin:
Where are you heading now?

1st Alvin:
I'm heading to my apartment at 729-A 1339 North Chang Boulevard.

2nd Alvin:
I too am headed for the very same destination. Apartment 729-A 1339 North Chang Boulevard.

A pause.

1st Alvin:
Well, it would seem that we are in fact...

2nd Alvin:
One and the same person.

A pause.

1st Alvin:
What should we do?

2nd Alvin:
I suppose we should head back to our apartment and try to think this through.

1st Alvin:
All right, then.

They head off together.

SCENE TWO.

A few minutes later. A small studio apartment in a high-rise apartment building. The door opens and 1st Alvin and 2nd Alvin walk through, still comparing their lives.

2nd Alvin:
My first girlfriend was Lucretia Pustule. And yours?

1st Alvin:
Lucretia Pustule. We went to North Gormsley Comprehensive Junior High School.

2nd Alvin:
So did we. Did you ever have a cocker spaniel?

1st Alvin:
A black one, called Ezekiel.

2nd Alvin:
I guess that seals it, then. Our lives are exactly identical in every way.

1st Alvin:
How, then, can I be standing here talking to you?

2nd Alvin:
And how can I be standing here talking to you? There must be some rational explaination.

1st Alvin:
Well, let's put away our groceries.

They both head for the fridge, open it, and place their cartons of milk side by side on the top shelf. A pause.

1st Alvin:
Now I have twice as much milk as I need.

2nd Alvin:
If we're both going to be staying here, we'll need all this milk.

1st Alvin:
You're right. Well, it's a lucky thing I ran into you. Are you as hungry as I am?

2nd Alvin:
If anything, I'm hungrier.

1st Alvin:
Then let's prepare our Kraft Dinner. We'll need to use the biggest pot.

2nd Alvin gets down on his hands and knees and digs a large pot out of the cupboard. He hands it to 1st Alvin, who fills it up with water. He places it on the stove just as 2nd Alvin turns on the burner. Sudddenly 1st Alvin has a thought. He goes to the fridge and looks inside.

1st Alvin:
Oh, no!

2nd Alvin:
What?

1st Alvin:
I forgot to buy margarine.

2nd Alvin:
Oh, blast. I did too.

1st Alvin:
It's a shame one of us couldn't have remembered.

1st Alvin turns off the burner.

1st Alvin:
Well, Kraft Dinner is out. We'll have to make sandwiches.

2nd Alvin:
I hate sandwiches without margarine.

1st Alvin:
So do I. But we'll have to make do. What else is there?

2nd Alvin:
Don't we have some beans in the cupboard?

1st Alvin:
Of course!

1st Alvin opens the cupboard and extracts a can of beans. Then he realises:

1st Alvin:
...But we only have enough for one.

2nd Alvin:
It's all right. You have the beans, I'll make a sandwich.

1st Alvin:
No, no. We might as well suffer together. We'll both have sandwiches.

1st Alvin returns the beans to the cupboard as 2nd Alvin opens a loaf of bread. 1st Alvin goes to the refrigerator and extracts some sandwich ingredients. They begin to make their sandwiches in silence. Then 1st Alvin remembers something:

1st Alvin:
Oh, no!

2nd Alvin:
What?

1st Alvin:
We're missing our favourite show!

2nd Alvin:
The Black Nationalist Comedy Hour! Oh, how could we have forgotten.

1st Alvin glances at his watch.

1st Alvin:
Hurry, it's already four past.

2nd Alvin:
But the sandwiches aren't done. Listen, why don't you go put a tape in the VCR and record it, and we can watch it at our leisure after we've eaten.

1st Alvin:
All right.

1st Alvin runs off to the living room. 2nd Alvin remains in the kitchen, making the sandwiches. He yells:

2nd Alvin:
Hey! Do you like pepper on your sandwiches?

1st Alvin:
Yes, please.

2nd Alvin:
As I thought.

He adds pepper to the sandwiches. As he does this, he happens to glance at his watch. After a second, he glances at it again, then stops and thinks. 2nd Alvin leaves the sandwiches and heads out to the living room.

In the living room, 1st Alvin is programming the VCR.

2nd Alvin:
Pardon me, what time did you say it was?

1st Alvin glances at his watch.

1st Alvin:
It's five past now.

2nd Alvin:
That's funny. My watch has seven past.

A pause, and then 1st Alvin stands up.

1st Alvin:
That is funny. One would expect our watches to keep identical time.

2nd Alvin:
Yes, that is what one would expect.

1st Alvin:
Could my watch battery be dying?

2nd Alvin:
But then my watch battery would also be dying. Or so one would expect.

1st Alvin:
Wait a second...

1st Alvin kneels and holds his clock up to the VCR clock.

1st Alvin:
I always set my watch to the VCR clock so I won't miss my favourite TV shows.

2nd Alvin:
I do the same thing.

The VCR shows 7:06. 1st Alvin's watch shows 7:05. Just as the VCR clicks over to 7:07, his watch clicks over to 7:06.

1st Alvin:
I have 7:06. The VCR has 7:07.

2nd Alvin:
I have 7:08.

A pause.

1st Alvin:
What could it mean?

A pause.

2nd Alvin:
Is it possible we're not the same person after all?

1st Alvin:
How do you mean?

2nd Alvin:
If we were the same person, one would expect our watches to show the identical time.

1st Alvin:
And yet, the other evidence is overwhelming.

2nd Alvin:
Could it all just be a coincidence?

1st Alvin:
It seems impossible.

A pause.

2nd Alvin:
Could we have lived in the same apartment, shared the same name, cultivated the same taste in sandwiches and television programs, each of us all the time not knowing that the other one existed?

1st Alvin:
Surely we would have crossed paths at least once. While watching the Black Nationalist Comedy Hour, for instance.

2nd Alvin:
Maybe we just never noticed one another.

1st Alvin:
How could we not have noticed one another? I sit in this armchair facing the television.

2nd Alvin:
I sit in the same armchair.

1st Alvin:
Surely we would have noticed one another, sitting in the same armchair like that.

2nd Alvin:
It's a very absorbing program. Maybe we were too absorbed to notice.

A pause.

1st Alvin:
I should think it highly dubious if it were anyone but you suggesting it.

2nd Alvin:
I agree. It seems difficult to believe.

1st Alvin:
Yes.

2nd Alvin:
There is an alternative explanation. Perhaps, somehow, while walking down MacMillan Avenue sometime around 6:45 on a warm autumn evening, somewhere between 114th and 115th Street, we passed through a warp in the space-time continuum, somehow splitting ourself into two separate yet identical persons.

1st Alvin:
Go on.

2nd Alvin:
I was transported one minute into the future, and you were transported one minute into the past, and we continued on, none the wiser, until you happened to come across the TV Guide that had serendipitously fallen from my shopping bag.

1st Alvin:
That seems to me the more plausible sequence of events.

2nd Alvin:
On the surface it does. And yet it's not plausible at all. After all, there is no such thing as a time warp. Any scientist could tell you that. They exist only in science fiction. Science fiction.

1st Alvin:
Perhaps.

A pause.

2nd Alvin:
But there is an explanation that meets the requirements both of plausibility and of science.

1st Alvin:
And what is that?

2nd Alvin:
Identical twins.

1st Alvin:
Identical twins?

2nd Alvin:
Identical twins exist in the actual world. I've seen them with my very own eyes. I've touched them. I've talked to them. So have you.

1st Alvin:
Yes, my good friend Alicia Glompers has an identical twin, Patrice.

2nd Alvin:
I know them well. Now imagine that their parents had never told Alicia that Patrice existed, and had never told Patrice that Alicia existed. Then, many years later, the two girls ran into one another on the street one day. And by chance, they happened to be wearing the same clothes, carrying the same shopping bag...

1st Alvin:
I should think they'd be surprised.

2nd Alvin:
More than surprised. They'd be awestruck. So awestruck they might contrive fantastical explanations for the coincidence of their meeting.

1st Alvin:
But we were more than wearing the same clothes and carrying the same shopping bag. We live in the same building. We sleep in the same room. We have the same name.

2nd Alvin:
Do we?

1st Alvin:
What do you mean?

2nd Alvin:
I submit that the psychological upheaval of being thrown together unexpectedly has caused us to construct a shared fantasy in which we are not two separate individuals, but rather one. I submit that one or both of us does not in fact live in this apartment - if indeed we are in an apartment - and that, indeed, we do not share the same name - we only believe we do.

1st Alvin:
My name is Alvin Axelrod Bugford.

2nd Alvin:
My name is Alvin Axelrod Bugford.

1st Alvin:
But we do! We do share the same name!

2nd Alvin:
We do not. When I hear you say your name, I mentally substitute my own, Alvin Axelrod Bugford. And when you hear me say my name, you mentally substitute your own - Alvin Axelrod Bugford.

1st Alvin:
It's impossible.

2nd Alvin:
When you say the name of your junior high school sweetheart, Lucretia Pustule, I mentally substitute the name of my junior high school sweetheart, Lucretia Pustule. When you say the name of your childhood cocker spaniel, Ezekiel, I mentally substitute the name of my beloved pet, Ezekiel. When you say your address, I mentally substitute my own address. And vice-versa, and vice-versa, and vice-versa.

1st Alvin:
And the Black Nationalist Comedy Hour? Our shared favourite television program?

2nd Alvin:
When you name your favourite television program, I substitute for it the name of my favourite television program. For all I know, your favourite program is actually...oh, I don't know, the Boris Yeltsin Show.

1st Alvin:
But I hate that show!

2nd Alvin:
I hate it too. But whenever you say the Boris Yeltsin Show, I hear the Black Nationalist Comedy Hour, and when I say the Black Nationalist Comedy Hour, you hear the Boris Yeltsin Show.

1st Alvin:
But I hate the Boris Yeltsin Show! It's boring.

2nd Alvin:
I think so too. And when you say you hate pepper on your sandwiches, I hear you say that you like pepper on your sandwiches.

1st Alvin:
But I do like pepper on my sandwiches.

2nd Alvin:
See - I heard you say it again.

1st Alvin:
But I do like pepper on my sandwiches!

2nd Alvin:
See, you're only proving my point.

1st Alvin:
And what about our watches? Why don't they agree?

2nd Alvin:
Because our fragile psyches began to recognise that the charade could not be maintained indefinitely. The strain of mentally substituting another word for every word we heard would eventually drive us insane. In order to protect themselves, our minds created a means of escape, a means to acknowledge the reality around us. They planted a clue. A subtle clue, but a clue nonetheless, to show us that all was not as it appeared. And by following this clue to its logical conclusion...

1st Alvin:
But it's not logical at all. The logical conclusion is that we are one person, split in two by a warp in the space-time continuum, as you said. That's why our watches don't agree.

2nd Alvin:
Ah, but don't you see - it's precisely that simulacrum of logic that exposes the illogicality of the time warp scenario. There is no such thing as a time warp! We know that to be true. So the very fact that a time warp is the only logical explanation proves that the only logical explanation is flatly impossible. So we must look for a less logical, and therefore more possible, explanation. Which is what I have done.

A pause.

1st Alvin:
So are you saying we're not even here at all?

2nd Alvin:
Exactly. Perhaps we're in my apartment, and you are mentally substituting your own - or perhaps we're in your apartment, and I am mentally substituting mine. Or perhaps we're still in the street, baffling passersby with our inexplicable behaviour.

1st Alvin:
If that's so, how do we escape the false reality our minds have created?

2nd Alvin:
We have to concentrate, focus our powers of perception on our surroundings and on ourselves. Say your name.

1st Alvin:
Alvin Axelrod Bugford.

2nd Alvin:
I'm still hearing Alvin Axelrod Bugford. What do you hear?

1st Alvin:
Alvin Axelrod Bugford.

2nd Alvin:
Say it again. I'll listen closely.

1st Alvin:
Alvin Axelrod Bugford.

2nd Alvin:
I know you're not saying Alvin Axelrod Bugford, even though that is what I hear.

1st Alvin:
I hear the same thing.

2nd Alvin:
Say it again!

1st Alvin:
Alvin Axelrod Bugford!

2nd Alvin:
Again!

1st Alvin:
Alvin Axelrod Bugford!

2nd Alvin:
What is your favourite television program?

1st Alvin:
The Black Nationalist Comedy Hour!

2nd Alvin:
Are you sure it's not the Boris Yeltsin Show?

1st Alvin:
I hate the Boris Yeltsin Show!

2nd Alvin:
I do too. Say your name.

1st Alvin:
Alvin Axelrod Bugford!

2nd Alvin:
The Black Nationalist Comedy Hour!

1st Alvin:
Pepper on my sandwiches!

2nd Alvin:
Apartment 729-A 1339 North Chang Boulevard!

1st Alvin:
Lucretia Pustule!

2nd Alvin:
Lucretia Pustule!

1st Alvin:
North Gormsley Comprehensive Junior High School!

2nd Alvin:
Ezekiel!

1st Alvin:
Ezekiel!

2nd Alvin:
Ezekiel!

1st Alvin:
Alvin Axelrod Bugford!

2nd Alvin:
Alvin Axelrod Bugford!

1st Alvin:
Alvin Axelrod Bugford!

2nd Alvin:
Alvin Axelrod Bugford!

They close their eyes and chant.

1st and 2nd Alvin, together:
Alvin Axelrod Bugford! Alvin Axelrod Bugford! Alvin Axelrod Bugford! Alvin Axelrod BUGFORD!!

They open their eyes.

They're on the street, where they first met. Cartons of milk and slices of bread lie on the ground around them. A few passersby are staring at them, alarmed.

1st Alvin and 2nd Alvin look around. They look at each other.

1st and 2nd Alvin, together:
My long-lost identical twin brother!

They embrace.

THE END.