(Recorded live at the 2005 Weinstein Follies show in Shelburne Falls, Massachusetts.)

Jesus loves you like a submarine
Jesus loves you like a time machine
But I don't think he cares for me at all
Jesus loves you like a swimming pool
Jesus loves you like an all-girls' school
But he don't even answer when I call

When the sergeant threw me into jail
I prayed for Jesus to send me bail
The judge hit me with a two-year term
I said "Oh, Jesus!" but the judge stood firm
And I don't know what I'm doin' wrong
He do-do-do-do-do-do-do-don't like me at all

Jesus loves you like a hula girl
Jesus loves you like a mocha swirl
But I don't think he loves me quite the same
Jesus loves you like an old roadmap
Jesus loves you like a nice long nap
He act like he don't even know my name

When the army put me on the line
I put my left foot on a mine
My foot took off for points unknown
I said "Oh, Jesus!" but my foot kept goin'
And I don't know what I'm doin' wrong
He do-do-do-do-do-do-do-don't like me at all

Jesus loves you like a naughty nurse
Jesus loves you like a Swinburne verse
But I don't think he loves me, nosirree
No no no no no, you know he never liked me

Now I'm living in an alleyway
But I still pray to Jesus nearly every day
I clutch my Bible like a four-leaf clover
And I say "Oh, Jesus!" but I'm still hung over
And I don't know what I'm doin' wrong
He do-do-do-do-do-do-do-don't like me at all